I like to pretend that I can dabble in the bad ass pool, but the truth is, I stand on the edge donned in a life jacket, goggles, floatees, and an inner tube too scared to go any further. What if I present myself in a different way from how you think I should be? What if I say or do the wrong thing? What if after this you never see me the same again? Yep... its all too risky. So I try to slow my breathing as I rush back from the edge of the bad ass pool. Sometimes I try to trick you though like the purple hair phase or maybe adding another tattoo. The truth is that I am terrified to show you the real me because maybe that isn't who I am supposed to be. I'm working on myself though. I'm trying to be more vulnerable. And you know what, it's fucking scary! I have homework before my next life coaching session. I need to start taking baby steps toward sharing things about myself. Since most people reading this are in my inner circle, how many different times can you remember where you have told me everything and anything going on in your world only for me to respond that I'm good? I'm ashamed of the fact that you probably don't have to think too hard or able to list multiple examples. I knew this homework would be hard for me so I started laying the ground work by warning people what I was going to try. The conversation went something like I have some life coach homework I have to do. If I walk up to you and it seems like I'm having a stroke or seizure, don't panic. I'm just preparing to tell you something about myself. Humor. I use it often to distract people. Of course it is easier for me to be vulnerable behind this screen where I don't have to see your immediate reaction, but since I will have to go through this sharing process multiple times, I thought it may be a good place to build some confidence. The assignment wasn't for me to share anything deep or dramatic, but the introvert in me would like to avoid the small talk at all costs. Below I will share some truths about the real me. I paused for a moment trying to find the right way to qualify that last sentence only to realize that a period was needed. I'm not sharing to get anything back, merely to be vulnerable with you.
One of my biggest fears is that I will accidentally post a link to one of my blog entries to my personal Facebook page for all to read.
I like to tell everyone that I am working on paying off my house. Conveniently I leave out that I have a bunch of student loan debt, that brings me so much shame, that needs to be cleaned up first.
The home version of me is almost the complete opposite of the work version of me. I'm isolated, messy and somewhat lazy which is why I try to avoid having people here.
Ok... that's a start. If I never blog again, you know my head exploded from this experience.
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