If you spent time with me lately, I may have mentioned that I am on a quest to pay off my house. The uncertainty of the early days of the pandemic rocked me, and I knew I had to take more of my future into my own hands. I've been following the Dave Ramsey plan. I know that he is a polarizing person, but I am chasing the result more than anything else. I typically listen to some of his podcasts on Sunday mornings while I make food for the week. It helps to keep me focused and motivated.
This week has been emotional for me. I wish I could tell you why, but I still haven't quite figured it out yet myself. I imagine a lot of it has to do with some conflict I faced the week prior and the emotional process of preparing for my annual eval, both reviewing the prior year as well as looking forward. I've also been somewhat of a trainwreck. Hell, one day I had 3 socks on my left foot and one on my right. Today's podcast landed weird with me. I know its February, and I created my planner with hearts and all things red & pink; however, this morning there was a promo for Valentine's Day. The personalities talked about how extravagent and often impractical the expectations for this one day of the year have become. No big deal in that, but it got me thinking. I started to think about my plans for the holiday. Of course I have none. The crazy part is that is when I started to struggle, but it's not what you think. I started to think about how happy I am to enjoy my own space and the freedom to do my own thing... to live life by my terms. I thought about how society expects me to be devastated that I don't have a Valentine when in all actually, it isn't even on my radar. The guilt that followed was staggering.... staggering enough to bring me to the laptop. One of my fears for years has been that I've been single for so long that I've become too set in my ways to ever be open to another relationship. Part of me also believes that I haven't yet entered that chapter in my life. I had guilt because I didn't feel bad about myself because society said I should. Society uses this one day a year to say that I am not enough as I am, but I'm not buying into it. The guilt has since passed. Now I just feel weird. I don't know how this is all going to play out yet. Right now I'm trying celebrate the space in between from this morning...
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