I don't know about you, but holidays like Memorial Day are tricky for me to navigate. My truth is that I start looking forward to Memorial Day around January 5th. It is our next holiday after New Years. What makes it complicated is that I struggle to find joy in a holiday that represents so much pain to so many.
To make things more interesting, I saw the Memorial Day parade this morning out of my bedroom window as I was cleaning up some things. (I love a quiet morning to putter around the house. It makes my inner 80 year old SO HAPPY!!) Anyways, as I saw the line of tractors make their way to the stop sign, it made me think of Caesar <3 It made me think of the morning he snuck out of the house and was almost part of the parade. That was a stressful day that now makes me smile.
The other thing that has been brewing under the surface is that I am some sort of self discovery/self awareness journey. To be completely transparent, it's pretty annoying. I'm going to be 43 in October, and it feels like I should have done this year ago! With that said, I am definitely not the same person I was even 5 year ago. Some things are better. Some are not. I am realizing that conflicting situations bring me joy. At work, I love being in the vortex... the eye of the storm. I can be incredibly stressful, but honestly, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I've come to realize that I also have to responsibility to care for myself so I can exist and perform in those situations. For me, that looks like incredibly calm, unscheduled, low key weekends. Finding it hard to make room for myself, lately I have been using planners, to make space for things that bring me joy. This weekend that meant reading. This morning I started my third book of the weekend. Sounds simple, right? Wrong. I seconded guessed the way I spent my time. I doubted the genres I chose to read. I stressed explaining to my peers how I spent my weekend. I tried to undermind the joy I felt appreciating my backyard and space. Ugh...I'm stressed just reading that. How about you? I only started moving into acceptance when I realized that I was spending my time the same way I get to when I am on vacation. I've since settled into my choices, but I still have an uneasiness.
Lately I've struggled with maintaining a consistent posting schedule, and only putting out things that I are completely authentic and feel right. Please bare with me as I find my way <3
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