Disclaimer: This blog poured out of me yesterday. It's been awhile since I felt so inspired. I wanted to press post in the worst way, but I was concerned that it may hurt the feelings of some of the other amazing people in my circle. In order to be true to myself and my experience, I decided to post it. Please know that if you are reading this, I couldn't imagine my world without you nor would I ever want to. Thank you for being in my world.
I had a really hard week... like eat dinner in bed 2 nights just so I can get to sleep sooner type of week. I felt beat down in so many different areas and leave it at that. On the other end of the spectrum, I am often blown away by how fortunate I am to have such great people in my life. While I'd like to think that I don't take the gift for granted, today I was reminded just how truly lucky I am.
Working in an industry that oozes testosterone, which I love, I don't often see self-doubt or the process of pushing through it. I've been struggling with my writing. The negative feedback that I received has stolen my confidence and damped my passion. I've been wrestling with my approach as I was told that she couldn't follow my message because of all of the sarcasm. (I honestly didn't even realize I was overly sarcastic.) I've tried to come back to the blog, but I know much of it feels forced. That is me just trying to push through the feelings as so often modeled for me. My process has also shifted. I started to try to write for you instead of writing for me. I've been obsessed with the view counts and placing my value on that while refusing to acknowledge that I have yet to promote this blog. My self-doubt has begun to cripple me as if the hateful voices in my head where the only ones that were telling me the truth. Hell, I hadn't even journaled in a month for fear that would turn out below my standards. I started talking about a working on a new dream for myself because this one just wasn't in me.
Since I have yet to explain the gift, let me start to attempt to tie my racing thoughts together for you. I feel like my approach to friends is different than most females my age. I imagine most to have a group of friends where everyone is everyone's besties. For years my approach has been to come across an amazing person, and not let them go...LOL. In a way, I have tried to build a collection of amazing people which is awesome, but makes cohesiveness complicated and often causes me to schedule time/exposure to them individually. Such was the case this morning. Have you ever had a person come into your life that just blows you away? Well, Sheila is one of those people for me. Years ago, I signed up for a workshop at The Yoga Place for something called Zentangle that was supposed to be meditative drawing. At the time, creative was the last thing I thought I was, but my inner nerd won, and I signed up. I never could have anticipated everything I would have gained from that workshop. I was not prepared for the huge smile that warmly welcomed me and tried to convince me that I did not need an eraser as everyting I would do would be perfect. In front of a group of strangers, her voice shook until she found her rhythm. Then within a few minutes, she vulnerably but bravely told her story of her struggle that brought her in front of us that day. Throughout the workshop, she warmly reassured each of us as she reminded us of how much she loves her job. I know what you are thinking, you need some of that too, right?? Yeah, I know. We all need some Sheila in our life. And after the week that I had, that is exactly what I needed this morning. Since that workshop, Sheila has been on a journey of her own, but is now hosting classes and workshops out of her amazing studio on her property. Having not seen her for a few months, I was both looking forward to the acceptance and relaxation of Zentangle as well as some Sheila time. Arriving a few minutes early, I was grateful for a chance to chat with my friend. Her warmth, honesty and openness with me always puts me at ease regardless of whatever we end up talking about. After a few minutes of catching up, we realized the turn out was not as she hoped, and my heart broke. As we tangled together, I was once again, like so many other times, inspired by my friend. She gave me tips about starting a tangling practice to help with my writing and told me about a workshop she had seen being offered that she thought may be good for me. We talked about self doubt and how confidence is so important but probably the hardest part of art. I talked to her about how I gave up my office space and have been struggling. We ooohhhed and aaahhhhhed at each other's tangles. I was so impressed when we were done when even though I knew she was disappointed with the turnout, she said today was exactly as it was supposed to be. Like many of you, Sheila has been an amazing cheerleader, seeing way more potential in me then I could ever see in myself. Already feeling like I had gotten way more than I could have ever hoped for, she then talked with me about about why I write, my style and my message. I told her about how when I posted my first poem on Facebook, one of the guys at work wrote their own poem, trying to meet me where I was at. She reassured me that I am on my way and on the brink of inspiration. I just need to keep showing up. She encouraged me to just be me and follow my passion. She also told me she looked forward to reading what I wrote...lol... bet she didn't see this coming. After not expressing nearly enough gratitude from everything I gained, I practically ran out of her studio with thoughts and ideas flooding through my head. I've sat here for nearly 2 hours pouring my thoughts, gratitude and excitement onto this page. I'm proud of this and want to share it with you. (I'm practicing. Please bare with me.)
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